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The Book of Peanuts: Creation
Creation. In the beginning, there were monkeys. As evolution took its course, some monkeys had evolved into man. Then man became a creature separate from the monkeys. This angered the monkeys. Then peanuts were created. Peanuts are the most perfect of all creation. They are so dry, yet oily. Hard, yet soft. Shelly, yet easily shelled...
But peanuts only led to problems. Man was a crafty little devil. He found the joys of peanuts, and this just angered the monkeys even more. To make things worse, man kept the peanuts up on a high shelf, so the monkeys couldn't get them.
The monkeys thought life to be hopeless. Then, the Evil Chestnut came to a monkey in a vision. He said, "I will be your nut if you will be my monkey." The monkey quickly accepted this covenant with the Evil Chestnut and spread the word of their new found religion, Chestnutism. The Evil Chestnut told the monkeys that peanuts are the enemy and must be brought to him for the sacrifice. The monkeys explained how man had put his peanuts up on a high shelf out of their reach. The Evil Chestnut then gave the monkeys wings, thus becoming the flying monkeys. The flying monkeys stole man's peanuts and gave them to the Evil Chestnut. Soon, man was without peanuts. The Evil Chestnut would torture the peanuts, and then he fed them to the flying monkeys. When the peanuts were digested, they became flying monkey dung. This was the beginning of the Evil Chestnut's new home, The Land of Flying Monkey Dung.
Man was hopeless without peanuts. One day, man looked to the sky. He asked The Peanut in the Sky (a.k.a. Peanut Buddha) why he had no peanuts. Peanut Buddha replied by saying, "All men have peanuts. Every man has a little bit of peanut inside of him. When he is good, his peanut grows. When he is bad, his peanut becomes very small." Man was puzzled by this but soon accepted this as their new religion, Peanutism. Together, man would unite and defeat the flying monkeys who stole their peanuts.
Life After Peanuts. As man fought the flying monkeys, their peanuts grew larger. Man began to question the use of their big peanuts. Again, he looked to The Peanut in the Sky. Peanut Buddha spoke, "When a man dies, and his peanut is big, he will join with The Peanut in the Sky. Then his peanut will be tossed into The Eternal Peanut Butter. The Eternal Peanut Butter is a mixture of all good peanuts that have ever lived. It is the epitome of happiness."
Man now understood why it was necessary to have a big peanut. But he then wondered what happened to men with small peanuts when they die. Peanut Buddha answered, "When a man is bad, and his peanut is small, he goes to The Land of Flying Monkey Dung. There, the Evil Chestnut will feed your peanut to the flying monkeys. Then it will become flying monkey dung." Man did not want that to happen so big peanuts were desired.
The Way of the Peanuts. Man now knew about his peanut. Men with big peanuts would preach Peanutism to the men with small peanuts. But man didn't know what to preach. Man had no rules to follow to increase the size of his peanut.
One day, a young man, named Tom, went up on the highest point of the Cloudspine. He cried for hours upon hours. Suddenly, Peanut Buddha spoke to him, "Why are you crying, young man?" Tom replied, "I have a small peanut, and I am too weak to fight off the flying monkeys." Peanut Buddha knew this was a problem. He decided to give man a set of rules to live by, thus the Ten Commandments of Peanutism were born.
Book of Peanuts: The Ten Commandments
The Ten Commandments of Peanutism. Through the power of a peanut, Peanut Buddha created the Ten Commandments of Peanutism and wrote them on a peanut shell. He then said, "If you follow my commandments, your peanut will grow, and the flying monkeys shall never take it from you." The commandments read:
1. Peanuts are the only thing that matters. When someone tries to take you peanuts, kill them. Peanuts are priceless, so do not be afraid to kill for them.
2. Flying monkeys are bad. Kill all the flying monkey that you can. When you die, flying monkeys just might take you peanut, and you don't want that.
3. I am The Peanut In The Sky (a.k.a. Peanut Buddha). You shall worship no other nuts but peanuts.
4. Organized governments are bad. You must destroy them at all costs. Overthrow all the nations of the world, and unite them under Peanutism.
5. Thou shalt not take any one else's peanuts.
6. Thou shalt not take the name of a peanut in vain.
7. Thou shalt not use peanuts or peanut products for the purpose of sexual pleasure unless the peanut is a member of the opposite sex.
8. You must spend at least one day a week giving honor to peanuts.
9. Peanuts must be served with every meal, including brunch and lupper (lunch/supper)
9.25. You must attend any and all gatherings of the Peanut Priests, unless you have a good excuse not to be there. Good excuses include, but are not limited to: watching porn, sexual activity, and killing sprees.
9.5. Thou shalt donate money to the Peanut Priests
9.75. You must visit Peanut Land at least once before you die. This is usually a hallucination after eating several million peanuts in a short period of time.
10. You must spread the word of peanutism whenever you can. This includes putting the sacred Peanutism Banner somewhere on your website.
Tom then took the peanut shell to all the villages. He preached the Principles of Peanutism to everyone in every land. Soon, Tom's peanut grew, and he was happy. All the other peanuts were jealous and tried very hard to follow Peanut Buddha's rules.
The Four Noble Peanut Truths. Now man knew everything about Peanutism. What he didn't know was why suffering remained in the world. Peanut Buddha answered in the form of four truths:
1. There will always be flying monkeys to steal your peanut.
2. The way to prevent flying monkeys from stealing your peanut is by having a big peanut.
3. The way to have a big peanut is to live life according to the Principles of Peanutism.
4. Following Peanutism will undoubtedly get you locked away in some insane asylum. Do not loose hope, you can laugh at them when their peanut is taken to the Evil Chestnut and turned into flying monkey dung
The Battle of Good and Not So Good. Even with these ideals, the flying monkeys continued to take man's peanuts. Man did not understand. He had a big peanut, yet the flying monkeys would take it from him. The Evil Chestnut was responsible. He was taking all of man's peanuts. Not even The Peanut in the Sky could stop him.
Several times, the Evil Chestnut promised man that he could keep his peanut as long as he stole other man's peanuts. This went against the Ten Commandments of Peanutism, and man knew it was wrong. Unfortunately, the temptation bent man to the Evil Chestnut's will. Soon, man and monkey alike belonged to the evil religion of Chestnutism. Man worshiped all that was evil such as flying monkey dung.
Peanut Buddha had no choice but to flood the earth with peanut oil. So he did. Millions of Chestnutists drowned in the ever rising sea of peanut oil. Only then did man realize the importance of peanuts. A few lucky men climbed aboard a giant peanut shell and were saved from the raging peanut oil. Everyone else, however, died a horrible death and went to the Land of Flying Monkey Dung. Since flying monkeys could fly, they had no worries about drowning.
Soon, the peanut oil receded, and man was free to land his peanut shell in the nearest harbor. Man told Peanut Buddha that he would never again go the way of the Chestnut.
The Peanut Promised Land. When man returned to dry ground, he saw nothing but a slimy peanut oil covering. All of his possessions were washed out to sea, and his crops were ruined. Man looked to The Peanut in The Sky and asked why his land was destroyed. Peanut Buddha replied, "Man. You have a small peanut. You were too greedy with your peanuts and forgot the important things in life, peanuts. I will lead you to the Peanut Promised Land so you can start over."
Peanut Buddha led man across the land until one day man found it. Peanut Land. In Peanut Land, everything was made of peanuts. The streets are paved with hardened peanut butter, the houses are peanut shells, and the rivers are peanut oil. When it rains, shelled peanuts fall from the sky. There is always enough peanuts for everyone in Peanut Land. Peanut Land is too far away for the flying monkeys to reach. This is the Land of Peanuts.
The Return from Peanut Land. Life in Peanut Land was the best thing man ever had. There was a catch, however. While a man lived in Peanut Land, his peanut could not grow. In order for a peanut to grow, man had to suffer as well as battle the flying monkeys. Man now knew he could not stay in Peanut Land forever.
So man left Peanut Land. He continued his life and constantly battled the flying monkeys for his peanut.
The Coming Peanut. After thousands of years of war with the flying monkeys, man gave up hope. The Peanut in the Sky saw this. He then let out the most secretive secret of Peanutism. Peanut Buddha said to man, "When the Eternal Peanut Butter has enough big peanuts in it, I will pour it into the mold of The Peanut Yet to Come. Then The Peanut Yet to Come will bring death to the flying monkeys and eventually the Evil Chestnut. Then, all the world will be like Peanut Land.
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